


Semaru Shinjitsu (The truth's getting closer)

by vogue91



Category: Hey! Say! JUMP, Johnny's Entertainment
Genre: Angst, Break Up, Flashbacks, Hurt, Introspection, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-30
Updated: 2018-05-30
Packaged: 2019-05-16 02:50:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,625
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14802936
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vogue91/pseuds/vogue91
Summary: “I don’t think it’s asking too much, if I ask the person I’ve been with for almost a year to love me.”





	Semaru Shinjitsu (The truth's getting closer)

Chinen was sitting.

Motionless. In the dark.

He wasn’t in the mood to do anything, there was no one he wanted to see. He didn’t want to cry, nor despair.

He wanted to sit alone in the dark, thinking about what had happened, remembering it, letting those images roll into his mind, until he was going to register them as reality.

 

_“I don’t think it’s asking too much, if I ask the person I’ve been with for almost a year to love me.” Yamada had told him, a look on his face that the younger had had a hard time classifying as his._

_“It’s not asking too much. And I love you, Ryosuke. Perhaps I’m not good at proving it, perhaps I don’t say it as much as I should, but I'm telling you now: I love you.” he had said, loud, among tears falling down of their own accord, without him having any control over them._

He had never been so direct with Yamada, and that had been his mistake.

He had always basket in the certainty that the other was going to be with him like he had always done during the years, without leaving him alone, never opening his eyes on those problems in their relationship that, and Chinen couldn’t deny it, were growing bigger and bigger.

And yet, even those moments when his thoughts became darker than usual, everything he could conceive as the worst case scenario was a slow unravelling of their bond, and them trying to keep together what still tied them.

What Ryosuke had done, instead, was a clean cut.

Brutal, almost, and Yuri had felt the blow as if the elder had hit him instead of breaking up with him, as if he had physically hurt him, so much that he wouldn’t have been surprised at finding on himself the marks of what he had done to him.

But he knew there were going to be none.

That he wasn’t going to bear visible traces, that no one was going to see them, that no one was going to go to him and ask what had happened, because he knew himself too well, and he knew that when things went down all he had to offer to those surrounding him was the insincerity of his smiles.

And yet, he wished someone would've soother him. He wanted for someone to hold him, to tell him that everything was going to be alright, that he would've made it on his own.

Chinen was never going to believe something like that, but he was sure that hearing it would've made him feel better.

But there weren’t going to be soothing words, there never were for those like him who couldn’t ask for help, even when they truly needed it.

Just like he did now, when the mere thinking about Yamada’s words made him feel like he had fire burning in the middle of his chest, as if he didn’t have the means to put it out or tame it.

It was far too intense, and he had never been good at dealing with pain.

 

_“Tell me what you want me to do. Tell me all the things I've done wrong, the things that don’t work in our relationship, and let’s try to fix them together. Please, Ryo.” he had murmured, biting down on his lip._

_He had always thought of himself as a proud guy, and he was hating himself for what he was doing to that pride, to his dignity._

_But he wasn’t an idiot, and he knew that there were things worth fighting for, whatever the price._

_“It’s not about that, Yuri. I don’t want to fix something that’s destined to break all over again at the first blow. It would do no good to either of us, and we both know that.” the elder had replied, sighing, and throwing a look at him that tasted of pity._

_That was what Chinen stood the least._

_The pity on his face, as if he deserved it only because he was trying to argue, to find a way to make him stay, to do something for their relationship to have a meaning._

_He didn’t deserve to be pathetic just because he didn’t want to give up._

_“Stop looking at me like that, stop waving the white flag and listen to me, Ryosuke! It’s impossible that there’s nothing about us worth saving.” he had yelled at him, while his tears were slowly drying up, turning into anger._

_And it was all that let Yuri go on._

He had felt torn between two completely opposite feelings.

On one hand, he hated Yamada for how he had forced him to bare himself in front of him, he hated him because he wasn’t willing to fight, he hated him because he watched while all they had shared was sinking right in front of their eyes.

And on the other, he had never felt such a strong instinct to speak how he felt for him, how much he loved him, how much his presence was necessary for him.

Chinen was aware of his limits, and he knew it wasn’t going to be easy for him without the elder.

During the years their lives had intertwined and intersected, so much that Yuri hadn't deemed necessary to keep up that wall which was instead separating him from all the others.

He talked with Yamada, he opened up with him, he went looking for him if he had problems.

He had cried in front of him, which had never happened with anybody else.

And, despite everything, he didn’t regret any of those tears.

He just wished for him to take a step toward him to dry them up, just like he was accustomed to.

Because Yuri may not be the best man alive, he may also have a twisted way of showing how he felt, but he had always been objective toward himself, and so there was no doubt he had given Yamada something that was never going to belong to anyone else.

He had given him his honesty, that part of his being that he could barely recognize for how good he had become at concealing it.

He had taken it, hadn't recognized its importance, and then had left Chinen alone to deal with the pieces of that proud that hadn't been the same since Yamada had stormed into his life.

 

_“There’s something else, isn’t there, Ryosuke?” he had murmured then, looking at him and arching an eyebrow._

_The elder hadn't answered._

_He had sat on the couch’s armrest, lowering his eyes and staring at his own hands._

_The minutes went by, and Chinen kept waiting._

_He wasn’t going to accept his silence._

_He didn’t deserve it. As much as he could’ve been at fault in their relationship, he knew that the other at least owed him that truth Yuri had not once denied to him._

_“Be honest, Yamada. At least that.” he had hissed then, going close to him and taking his face in his hand, forcing him to raise his eyes on him._

_“I’ve been sleeping with Daiki.”_

_Those words had reached Yuri’s ears, but it was as if he couldn’t understand them._

_Daiki’s name was in the air, but he refused to believe that Ryosuke had really said it._

_“Since when?” he had asked then, falling on top of the couch, as if he didn’t have strength enough to keep standing._

_He didn’t really care about the answer._

_He didn’t care about anything, not at this point._

_Because Yamada had just showed to him that, after all, there was nothing left to save. He had been right._

_“A couple of months.” the elder had murmured, without daring to look him in the eyes._

_Chinen had nodded, then he had laugh both hysterical and sarcastic._

_“Does he love you?” he had asked then, aware that whatever the other was going to answer, it was going to hurt him more than he could take._

_“He does. And I love him.”_

_“More than you love me? More than I love you?” he had asked, his voice sharper._

_“Yes. I know deep down you love me, Yuri, but... your love it’s not enough for me. Not to go on without you proving it to me.”_

_Yuri had nodded briefly._

_“Go away.” he had said then, dry._

_He didn’t want to see him._

_He didn’t want to keep looking at him, having him there in front of him as living proof of his failure._

_So Yamada had stood up, throwing one last glance at him before leaving, without saying another word._

_Chinen had stayed there, looking as he left, looking at his back while he left the house and him._

_He had felt like screaming._

_And he had done just that, because there was nothing else to do._

He had sat there for hours.

He kept trying to cry, but he couldn’t.

He wanted to think about Yamada’s words, thinking about what he could’ve done to make things better.

And then he told himself that it didn’t matter, that nothing would've changed, because if they had truly loved each other the same way they would've found a way to compromise, without Ryosuke having to look for love somewhere else.

Chinen had given him his honesty, and in the end it had been what he had received.

The truth, at last.

Hearing that their relationship wasn’t enough to make either of them happy.

And looking at his back, as if there’s nothing left of them, was his punishment for having believed that being honest would've been enough.

Again, he thought about his back.

Again, he thought about Yamada’s words.

_Your love it’s not enough for me._

And, finally, he cried.


End file.
